I have a lot of walls. I like to think that I’m the royal who built their castle in a maze of walls so she could stow away forever and not get assassinated. That is a personal dream. Not really the castle or a maze but the stowing away part. I’d enjoy spending time somewhere that all the noises are made from nature and you can go outside and see the entire night sky. I’m not sure how long I would last. Honestly, if I had to guess I’d say I could make it 2 weeks if I had the time. Maybe even longer.
Today I feel for certain i have tried to knock some of these walls down. It’s what you do when you have relationships with people. If they end up working out then that means those beautiful mysterious walls must come down. You’ve got to be able to be vulnerable sometimes to the people closest to you.
This is something I’m learning not something I know. I wish I had been taught this and guided on how to handle social situations. I try not to dwell on these wishes though. I wasn’t gently taught to know that what I needed was okay. In fact I’d even say in my family I was known for giving into people and allowing their needs to dominate over mine. Which, if you don’t know already, is extremely unhealthy mentally and sometimes physically.
Today though. Today I felt that I have been better at letting people know me. Letting them know a piece of my mind. It can be strange though. Some of these people are used to a different kind of interaction with me and haven’t been quite sure of why the change is happening. Which, is absolutely reasonable. I’m not quite sure what the change is. I also know that I’ve only begun my transformation. I have a very long wait to go before I truly feel that I can make myself happy.
I recently watched a video on youtube by OpenEllby look her up she makes great content. In the video I watched she talks briefly about how she used others opinions of her to feel good. I really appreciate her talking about this. She then talks about how she started taking more time for herself and valuing her own opinion of herself more then others.
This is something I’m recently learning. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say “damn girl you smart, talented, and know what you want.”
That’s the truth. If someone came up to me and asked what I wanted I’m not sure I’d have an answer. I feel like I can see a fuzzy picture of what I want at this point but none of the details.
I’m hoping.. with the walls coming down sometimes.. and me vocalizing how I’m feeling and what I want in the moment. That I’ll learn to know what I need and want out of life and relationships. I have a long way to go and today was hard. I struggled with the critical thoughts about myself all day. I fought them though and there is something to be said for that.
Over and out