Hard to Understand
I feel like my life has been series of moments where I, as a person was “hard to understand.”
This isn’t a feeling I wish on many people. It’s been a long time since I posted. I haven’t deleted any posts on here. This is just the massive natural time gap of my ability to share my feelings.
Between this post and the last so much has changed. I don’t even know quite where to start other then where I left off. I was leaving my church, starting work for the first time in a year, hoping my foot situation to be better and learning to live in a bizarre new town.
I was becoming Kristy.
Since the last post. I found out my feet had stopped healing. Went from a new doctor to a newer doctor. Got a even more intensive surgery, tried to learn sign language while recovering, had an amazing knee scooter and became a survivor of abuse.
That’s not easy to write/type. I was holding my breath up until this point. Breath. Breath. Breath. deep. deep. deep.
A few thing I’ve learned are how to deal with panic attacks, that i never trusted my family, how to have alone time, walking on my two feet, that I want to be an art student, and that I’m worth it.
I had an amazing night tonight. I shared laughs with people. I watched amazing movies and I stuck up for myself when I felt like someone was being a shit head.
I became Kristy.
The Kristy that i’m proud of. The one that forgets that she snorts, or how she looks. I just enjoy the moments and let the rest settle where they may. I hope to create beautiful things. In writing, photography, graphic design, film editing, film recording, knitting, pop up books, drawing, sketching, painting, water color, acrylic, oil. I want it all and I feel like I deserve happiness. Which I worry I’ve never felt like I deserve it.
I suppose that’s where survivor comes from. I survived a miserable life. I survived self hate. I survived being hated to the point of abuse. Hell, I wish I felt like something worth the title of a survivor. I don’t, but then again a year ago I wouldn’t have felt like an artist and now i’m going to art school. Life is funny. I want to laugh more.