Obtaining Structure

Exmormon, Recovering from surgery, and starting a new life

Month: December, 2014

Deciding a College at 17

School. Oh dear lord I want to go back to school. Fucking school with it’s people and teachers.. and teachers oh my god teachers. I think teachers are rad. They spend every day all day teaching idiots like me to fulfill their dreams! How amazing is that? They want to inspire others to do what they do. Well at least at college they do.

This post is for Me.. well to be honest all these posts have been for me. No one reads this shit. I do though. I write what I believe and feel and so it makes it easy to read. Almost enjoyable which is scary since I know it came from me. High Five future me when are you reading this? Sorry, had to do that. I just had to.

I want to write about College. I want to write a lot about College so grab a snack (hopefully one that wont get your keyboard dirty) and start reading.

Once upon a flat, dry, desert land there was a girl. Not just any girl she had bambi eyes. You know those on that are inicent and big. Where you can see your own dreams in them because she is so full of life and hope. Just kidding she was depressed as FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK.

That’s the truth people. Senior year in high school was the tits for me. I had lost the love of my life. FUCK YOU MITCHELL. I tried to revive my social life and then eventually got called a whore and lost the whole group of friends I loved. I was miserable. I would skip class to sleep in the Art room or go outside by the track and stare at the sky. Don’t get me wrong I had a couple friends who were there for me halla Ausia halla Hailee. It didn’t change my state of mind though. I was deeeeeeeepressed. I got the serious mental blues.

This really altered my ability to choose a college not to mention the shitty advice I was getting by nearly every adult in my life. I dropped out of classes I needed just because the school said I didn’t need it to graduate. I had a few free periods and was a TA. My future looked bright. Even the manager at my job , which was Hollywood video may you rest in piece old friend, tell me that he wasn’t making me a manager because I had better potential. Praise those words. They really got me through some dark days.

I graduated though. I made it!

Over and out,

Kristy

P.S. I am a bitch for leaving at a cliff hanger. Get over it.

Pom Pom Christmas Wrapping and Gifts

I recently came up with the idea for a video on how I show someone how to make a Pom Pom. I proceeded this idea by about 3 hours of research. Upon finding each step in the “best” way I thought it should be done I started testing. I spent a night making Pom Pom makers and learning how to use a fork to make a small Pom Pom.

Once I felt comfortable with them and thought “hey girrrrrrl that be damn fine pom pom you just made with your bare hands” I decided it was time to.. BUM BUM BUM story board the video. Whilst story boarding I also realized, by the help of a friend, that I should be taking note how long I spend working on this  video. So this is where I did the math on the research and also added in the time to test my findings.

The story board was a no-brainer. I had never made a video like this and I really wanted it to be great. So I started playing with the ideas in my head of how the shots should be filmed. I must note that hardly any of the shots I story boarded were put into the film. It did however give me the chance to think about it which helped later on in the planing. There were also inspired parts that my friend James really helped with. Since I was using my hands a lot I asked James to come on by and help me out. He helped me feel confident to film the shot and then also gave some really great input with a few shots. Thank you James for your help and you fine readers can find him at http://ovipositor.tumblr.com always a fun time!

I must admit even though this video did take more time every step of the way, even my story board, I felt happier with. I’m now down to final edits and finding music, if you know of any good bands who would let me use their stuff I will always give credit where credit is due. Person to Person. I have made some significant growth with this video and I personally believe it shows. I suppose in the end when you create something you’re proud of then you end up being proud of yourself.

This is a new feeling for me. It isn’t just showing in my videos but also in my every day life. I think it may have something to do with me accepting my dream of being a graphic designer. Well creator of any sort really. I’ve been creating more and more because I made it a personal challenge this year. I feel I’ve come a long way in 2014 and the end is even better then last year. I mean hell I tossed a chicken wing into a tiny fryer and sprayed boiling oil everywhere. What better Christmas could I ask for?

Until next time,

Kristy Edgerton

Personal Walls

I have a lot of walls. I like to think that I’m the royal who built their castle in a maze of walls so she could stow away forever and not get assassinated. That is a personal dream. Not really the castle or a maze but the stowing away part. I’d enjoy spending time somewhere that all the noises are made from nature and you can go outside and see the entire night sky. I’m not sure how long I would last. Honestly, if I had to guess I’d say I could make it 2 weeks if I had the time. Maybe even longer.

Today I feel for certain i have tried to knock some of these walls down. It’s what you do when you have relationships with people. If they end up working out then that means those beautiful mysterious walls must come down. You’ve got to be able to be vulnerable sometimes to the people closest to you.

This is something I’m learning not something I know. I wish I had been taught this and guided on how to handle social situations. I try not to dwell on these wishes though. I wasn’t gently taught to know that what I needed was okay. In fact I’d even say in my family I was known for giving into people and allowing their needs to dominate over mine. Which, if you don’t know already, is extremely unhealthy mentally and sometimes physically.

Today though. Today I felt that I have been better at letting people know me. Letting them know a piece of my mind. It can be strange though. Some of these people are used to a different kind of interaction with me and haven’t been quite sure of why the change is happening. Which, is absolutely reasonable. I’m not quite sure what the change is. I also know that I’ve only begun my transformation. I have a very long wait to go before I truly feel that I can make myself happy.

I recently watched a video on youtube by OpenEllby look her up she makes great content. In the video I watched she talks briefly about how she used others opinions of her to feel good. I really appreciate her talking about this. She then talks about how she started taking more time for herself and valuing her own opinion of herself more then others.

This is something I’m recently learning. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say “damn girl you smart, talented, and know what you want.”

I can’t.

That’s the truth. If someone came up to me and asked what I wanted I’m not sure I’d have an answer. I feel like I can see a fuzzy picture of what I want at this point but none of the details.

I’m hoping.. with the walls coming down sometimes.. and me vocalizing how I’m feeling and what I want in the moment. That I’ll learn to know what I need and want out of life and relationships. I have a long way to go and today was hard. I struggled with the critical thoughts about myself all day. I fought them though and there is something to be said for that.

Over and out

Kristy

Hard to Understand

I feel like my life has been series of moments where I, as a person was “hard to understand.”

This isn’t a feeling I wish on many people. It’s been a long time since I posted. I haven’t deleted any posts on here. This is just the massive natural time gap of my ability to share my feelings.

Between this post and the last so much has changed. I don’t even know quite where to start other then where I left off. I was leaving my church, starting work for the first time in a year, hoping my foot situation to be better and learning to live in a bizarre new town.

I was becoming Kristy.

Since the last post. I found out my feet had stopped healing. Went from a new doctor to a newer doctor. Got a even more intensive surgery, tried to learn sign language while recovering, had an amazing knee scooter and became a survivor of abuse.

phew.

That’s not easy to write/type. I was holding my breath up until this point. Breath. Breath. Breath. deep. deep. deep.

A few thing I’ve learned are how to deal with panic attacks, that i never trusted my family, how to have alone time, walking on my two feet, that I want to be an art student, and that I’m worth it.

I had an amazing night tonight. I shared laughs with people. I watched amazing movies and I stuck up for myself when I felt like someone was being a shit head.

I became Kristy.

The Kristy that i’m proud of. The one that forgets that she snorts, or how she looks. I just enjoy the moments and let the rest settle where they may. I hope to create beautiful things. In writing, photography, graphic design, film editing, film recording, knitting, pop up books, drawing, sketching, painting, water color, acrylic, oil. I want it all and I feel like I deserve happiness. Which I worry I’ve never felt like I deserve it.

I suppose that’s where survivor comes from. I survived  a miserable life. I survived self hate. I survived being hated to the point of abuse. Hell, I wish I felt like something worth the title of a survivor. I don’t, but then again a year ago I wouldn’t have felt like an artist and now i’m going to art school. Life is funny. I want to laugh more.

Kristy