Part 2: Obtaining Structure
It may sound odd to some but moving is part of me obtaining new structure in my life. For one I grew up in a family that has a ton of mental illness along with a toxic religion that my parents were and are still true believers of. That mixture of things makes quite a big mess when it comes to being “healthy” emotionally. My siblings and I have really grown up sense living with each other but we all struggle still with the lack of being able to set proper boundaries and respecting each other. We just weren’t really taught it. Our parents loved us yes, but they didn’t love each other. Maybe some part of them did but it wasn’t a part that we as children could see. I’m grateful for the life my parents gave me. That I’m able to breath and live in this amazing world. Would I change my experience if I could go back? I can honestly say that I would not. This isn’t something I could have admitted to a few months ago though.
Moving may be considered an “escape”, I suppose, but I’d like to think of it as bettering myself. I love my family. Please do not think that I don’t. I want to have good and healthy relationships with them though. Not the ones we developed in our home. Those relationships were bitter, hateful and manipulating. We never understood each other. I didn’t know that my sister needed more then anything to be understood. I didn’t know that my brother acts like a cocky son of bitch but deep down just needs someone to listen and love him. They never knew that I held everyone’s burdens on my shoulders and really just wanted peace. So moving for me is helping me better those things. In return we all have a better support system. I know it’s been better for me.
Even though losing my religion has made me lose my structure it is still a huge part of me regaining structure as well. Like I said in my last post I am now atheist. To me this means more then just the disbelief in a higher power but a new belief in myself. Now all the things I’ve done in my past and in my future are all ME. I have nothing to hide anymore. It’s a liberating feeling. I can be honest with everyone in my life and most importantly with myself. Honesty is something that I have been lacking sense High School. Teenagers always question things right? they usually say how unfair everything is as well. I found myself trying to let go of those dumb teenage ideas so that I could become an adult. This hurt me. I became dishonest and lost sight of who I was. So yes, losing my religion has given me a huge stepping stone into my new structure and that is, Honesty.
With this I’ve had to face my foot surgeries head on. There was no longer a God giving me a “trial”. Now it was just science telling me how I could better myself and what will help me heal properly. It’s been easier sense I let go of the idea that God will tell me when I’m ready to move forward in life. I realized that I probably had been ready for a long time. That I was letting my fears control my actions. So what did I do about it? I kicked myself in the ass and went Job hunting. Hardest thing I’ve done in a loooong time. I had so many fears when it came to how I could perform as an employee. I knew I had to just try it and see. Other wise I’d never know and I’d be stuck where I was at. Which was depressed and purposeless.
I found a job! I have been working for 2 weeks and it’s been rough. I wont lie but at the same time it’s exactly what I needed and will help me get out of my head and REALLY move on. Along with this I hope to make friends and meet new people. Finding a job is just one hurdle for me obtaining the structure that I need. But friends will be a even bigger hurdle. I’m looking forward to my future again even if I only look to tomorrow that’s more then I had been doing. For months I could only see today. I was stuck and lost. Now I’m finally moving forward and it’s still hard. But it will be worth it.