Part 1: Loss of Structure
I’m a 22 year old going through big changes. In the last two years I’ve gotten married, had major foot surgery on both feet, lost my religion and moved to a new state. Due to all of this I’m trying to better myself and create a new structure for my life. This is why I picked Obtaining Structure as my blog name. That is exactly what I am doing.
On March 19th, 2011 this little Mormon girl (at the time) got married to a non-member (a term LDS people use to describe people not of the faith). I had no idea what road I was taking. I have no experience with getting married, this was my first time. I didn’t realize the challenge it would be and how many friends I would lose due to marriage. I’m not sure how common that is around the world but in Utah apparently it’s normal, correct me if I’m wrong. I’ve realized a ton about marriage and a lot about my religion.
I didn’t really notice the drop off of people in my life until a few months after I got married. Mostly because two months in I got my first foot surgery. The surgery I got was Calcaneal Osteotomy. It’s where they make a wedge in your heal bone and then put a graft of bone into that. It lengthens the bone only slightly but helps hold up your arch or give you a arch if you are flat footed. Recovery has been hard. During this first surgery I really realized the people in my life. Which, sadly to say was not very many. I felt very alone and very hurt that they didn’t seem to care at all about what was happening. I got to a point where I felt like I was begging people to come see me.. even then they never did.
About 5 months later I got a job at a calling center for 3 months. Then I was due for my second foot to get the same surgery. I was more prepared for it this time and braced myself for the loneliness. I still wasn’t very good at expressing that I was in a terrible situation and wished people would give a damn. I had a more constant friend who came over more often but I had already been damaged by this point. I developed sever anxiety that is still a problem now. I had major complications with this second surgery. I got a infection that was stubborn and even though I’m young took 5 months to close up. Sense then the bone hasn’t been healing and I had to have another surgery to get the plates out of both feet.
Around July 2012 we had packed up to move to Berkeley California for my husbands Graduate schooling. It’s a beautiful place to live and I am grateful for our opportunities. It wasn’t much of a adjustment mainly because I didn’t have friends where we were before. It was just a different apartment. This was pretty depressing to me at first. Realizing that the last year and half of my life had been spent in such solitude, that moving to a new place barely fazed me. I of course missed family.
I never truly believed in my faith. I was raised in the Mormon church and the adults always seemed so sure of it. So naturally as a kid I tried my hardest and trusted the people around me. Growing up I started to realize that things didn’t seem quite right but I had been promised so much and thought that the LDS church was the only way to true happiness. So I continued trying to believe. During my trials the past two years my religion wasn’t there for me. I went to church as often as I could but the people didn’t care about me and the meetings taught that my husband was going to hell. I felt lost. When we moved I decided I’d give my religion my whole self. I’d do everything to be apart of it and to try and find God, hoping that for the first time maybe he’d speak to me. I went for Four months then on November 3, 2012 I prayed for the last time and realized he was never there to begin with. Now I’m atheist and trying to rebuild the life that I’ve had handed to me. The LDS church has rules and answers for everything. Now I’m re-evaluating everything I was taught and becoming who I’ve always wanted to be.
I got married to the man I love. Then I had Major surgery that has demolished my self-worth and almost completely gotten rid of any confidence I ever claimed to have. Last of all I lost my very strict religion. I’m not sure where I’m going but at least I know that I’m doing everything I can to enjoy this life now. This post is about how I lost my structure. The next post will be about how I’m trying to Obtain my new Structure.