Obtaining Structure

Exmormon, Recovering from surgery, and starting a new life

Deciding a College at 17

School. Oh dear lord I want to go back to school. Fucking school with it’s people and teachers.. and teachers oh my god teachers. I think teachers are rad. They spend every day all day teaching idiots like me to fulfill their dreams! How amazing is that? They want to inspire others to do what they do. Well at least at college they do.

This post is for Me.. well to be honest all these posts have been for me. No one reads this shit. I do though. I write what I believe and feel and so it makes it easy to read. Almost enjoyable which is scary since I know it came from me. High Five future me when are you reading this? Sorry, had to do that. I just had to.

I want to write about College. I want to write a lot about College so grab a snack (hopefully one that wont get your keyboard dirty) and start reading.

Once upon a flat, dry, desert land there was a girl. Not just any girl she had bambi eyes. You know those on that are inicent and big. Where you can see your own dreams in them because she is so full of life and hope. Just kidding she was depressed as FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK.

That’s the truth people. Senior year in high school was the tits for me. I had lost the love of my life. FUCK YOU MITCHELL. I tried to revive my social life and then eventually got called a whore and lost the whole group of friends I loved. I was miserable. I would skip class to sleep in the Art room or go outside by the track and stare at the sky. Don’t get me wrong I had a couple friends who were there for me halla Ausia halla Hailee. It didn’t change my state of mind though. I was deeeeeeeepressed. I got the serious mental blues.

This really altered my ability to choose a college not to mention the shitty advice I was getting by nearly every adult in my life. I dropped out of classes I needed just because the school said I didn’t need it to graduate. I had a few free periods and was a TA. My future looked bright. Even the manager at my job , which was Hollywood video may you rest in piece old friend, tell me that he wasn’t making me a manager because I had better potential. Praise those words. They really got me through some dark days.

I graduated though. I made it!

Over and out,

Kristy

P.S. I am a bitch for leaving at a cliff hanger. Get over it.

Pom Pom Christmas Wrapping and Gifts

I recently came up with the idea for a video on how I show someone how to make a Pom Pom. I proceeded this idea by about 3 hours of research. Upon finding each step in the “best” way I thought it should be done I started testing. I spent a night making Pom Pom makers and learning how to use a fork to make a small Pom Pom.

Once I felt comfortable with them and thought “hey girrrrrrl that be damn fine pom pom you just made with your bare hands” I decided it was time to.. BUM BUM BUM story board the video. Whilst story boarding I also realized, by the help of a friend, that I should be taking note how long I spend working on this  video. So this is where I did the math on the research and also added in the time to test my findings.

The story board was a no-brainer. I had never made a video like this and I really wanted it to be great. So I started playing with the ideas in my head of how the shots should be filmed. I must note that hardly any of the shots I story boarded were put into the film. It did however give me the chance to think about it which helped later on in the planing. There were also inspired parts that my friend James really helped with. Since I was using my hands a lot I asked James to come on by and help me out. He helped me feel confident to film the shot and then also gave some really great input with a few shots. Thank you James for your help and you fine readers can find him at http://ovipositor.tumblr.com always a fun time!

I must admit even though this video did take more time every step of the way, even my story board, I felt happier with. I’m now down to final edits and finding music, if you know of any good bands who would let me use their stuff I will always give credit where credit is due. Person to Person. I have made some significant growth with this video and I personally believe it shows. I suppose in the end when you create something you’re proud of then you end up being proud of yourself.

This is a new feeling for me. It isn’t just showing in my videos but also in my every day life. I think it may have something to do with me accepting my dream of being a graphic designer. Well creator of any sort really. I’ve been creating more and more because I made it a personal challenge this year. I feel I’ve come a long way in 2014 and the end is even better then last year. I mean hell I tossed a chicken wing into a tiny fryer and sprayed boiling oil everywhere. What better Christmas could I ask for?

Until next time,

Kristy Edgerton

Personal Walls

I have a lot of walls. I like to think that I’m the royal who built their castle in a maze of walls so she could stow away forever and not get assassinated. That is a personal dream. Not really the castle or a maze but the stowing away part. I’d enjoy spending time somewhere that all the noises are made from nature and you can go outside and see the entire night sky. I’m not sure how long I would last. Honestly, if I had to guess I’d say I could make it 2 weeks if I had the time. Maybe even longer.

Today I feel for certain i have tried to knock some of these walls down. It’s what you do when you have relationships with people. If they end up working out then that means those beautiful mysterious walls must come down. You’ve got to be able to be vulnerable sometimes to the people closest to you.

This is something I’m learning not something I know. I wish I had been taught this and guided on how to handle social situations. I try not to dwell on these wishes though. I wasn’t gently taught to know that what I needed was okay. In fact I’d even say in my family I was known for giving into people and allowing their needs to dominate over mine. Which, if you don’t know already, is extremely unhealthy mentally and sometimes physically.

Today though. Today I felt that I have been better at letting people know me. Letting them know a piece of my mind. It can be strange though. Some of these people are used to a different kind of interaction with me and haven’t been quite sure of why the change is happening. Which, is absolutely reasonable. I’m not quite sure what the change is. I also know that I’ve only begun my transformation. I have a very long wait to go before I truly feel that I can make myself happy.

I recently watched a video on youtube by OpenEllby look her up she makes great content. In the video I watched she talks briefly about how she used others opinions of her to feel good. I really appreciate her talking about this. She then talks about how she started taking more time for herself and valuing her own opinion of herself more then others.

This is something I’m recently learning. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say “damn girl you smart, talented, and know what you want.”

I can’t.

That’s the truth. If someone came up to me and asked what I wanted I’m not sure I’d have an answer. I feel like I can see a fuzzy picture of what I want at this point but none of the details.

I’m hoping.. with the walls coming down sometimes.. and me vocalizing how I’m feeling and what I want in the moment. That I’ll learn to know what I need and want out of life and relationships. I have a long way to go and today was hard. I struggled with the critical thoughts about myself all day. I fought them though and there is something to be said for that.

Over and out

Kristy

Hard to Understand

I feel like my life has been series of moments where I, as a person was “hard to understand.”

This isn’t a feeling I wish on many people. It’s been a long time since I posted. I haven’t deleted any posts on here. This is just the massive natural time gap of my ability to share my feelings.

Between this post and the last so much has changed. I don’t even know quite where to start other then where I left off. I was leaving my church, starting work for the first time in a year, hoping my foot situation to be better and learning to live in a bizarre new town.

I was becoming Kristy.

Since the last post. I found out my feet had stopped healing. Went from a new doctor to a newer doctor. Got a even more intensive surgery, tried to learn sign language while recovering, had an amazing knee scooter and became a survivor of abuse.

phew.

That’s not easy to write/type. I was holding my breath up until this point. Breath. Breath. Breath. deep. deep. deep.

A few thing I’ve learned are how to deal with panic attacks, that i never trusted my family, how to have alone time, walking on my two feet, that I want to be an art student, and that I’m worth it.

I had an amazing night tonight. I shared laughs with people. I watched amazing movies and I stuck up for myself when I felt like someone was being a shit head.

I became Kristy.

The Kristy that i’m proud of. The one that forgets that she snorts, or how she looks. I just enjoy the moments and let the rest settle where they may. I hope to create beautiful things. In writing, photography, graphic design, film editing, film recording, knitting, pop up books, drawing, sketching, painting, water color, acrylic, oil. I want it all and I feel like I deserve happiness. Which I worry I’ve never felt like I deserve it.

I suppose that’s where survivor comes from. I survived  a miserable life. I survived self hate. I survived being hated to the point of abuse. Hell, I wish I felt like something worth the title of a survivor. I don’t, but then again a year ago I wouldn’t have felt like an artist and now i’m going to art school. Life is funny. I want to laugh more.

Kristy

woes of Adulthood

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I have a confession. Along with leaving the church I also made a big decision and cut of all connection with my father.

And to clear the air no this is not solely because I’ve made the choice to leave the LDS religion. Weather you believe me or not that’s your choice, this is my space to vent and I promise I wouldn’t put lies out there.

It’s not a easy choice to make. I’ve cried on more then one occasion about it. However, I do not regret it. I do not know when I’ll connect with him again or if I will. I’m not writing this to be vengeful I’m writing this to put it out there. I want my family to know. I love my dad I do. He has hurt me though. For a very long time and I’ve taken it without question because I want to be loved and cared for.

But as an adult I’ve come to realize that this relationship has become toxic. I do not know why I have these feelings. I don’t know why I become tongue tied every time I try to stick up for myself. I’m also not sure why thinking about it .. the whole choice and situation puts me into a black, empty hole. But . It. Does.

I’m going to get help as soon as I can. I want to understand my pain. Why I have it. Where it came from. For now though, this choice has brought me happiness. I’m not sure how appropriate it is to put this out there. To the whole world. But I needed to.

American Sign Language (ASL)

The first time I saw someone speaking American Sign Language (ASL) was probably when I was around the ages of 7-10. My parents had a friend in Idaho (who also owned horses) that was a ASL interpreter.

My parents were very close with this couple but us kids didn’t really know them all to well. I think it may have been in a church setting that I saw her signing to the audience I really wish I could remember more of the experience but I remember being extremely curious about it. I wanted to know more. Why did she use her hands that way? what was it for? How could I do the same thing? So naturally I went to my mother for the answers.

She told me that her friend used her hands to speak with people. I then asked “Why didn’t she just use her mouth?” This was probably pretty funny to my mom. She sweetly answered that there were some people who couldn’t hear and had to use their hands.  She also told me that her friend learned their language and was able to translate what she heard into their language. Ever sense that day ASL has been something I’ve deeply wanted to learn.

I’m not sure why I’ve never shared this information with many people before. Maybe it’s because of the reason that ASL was and still is so interesting to me. First things first when I was 6 months old I had spinal meningitis. My parents were told that later on they may see brain damage but most likely not until I was in school. This caused me to also have a very low immune system.  When I was between the ages of 0-5 I had A LOT of ear infections. During those periods I couldn’t hear very well. My mom recalls that I’d sit very close to the Television and turn the sound up all the way and still complain about not hearing it. I had 5 sets of ear tubes (these are little round plastic spool like things that are built to help drain fluid from your ears) Before I was 4. At age 5 I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. This seemed to clear out most of the problem (I still struggle with congestion on a daily bases).

Ear Tube

However, because of the lack of being able hear until I was 5 I had spent most of my early years lip reading. I had developed a bad lisp and unfortunately passed that onto my younger brother because we hung out so much (he is 18 months younger then me). I had to have a speech therapist for some time. He was the nicest guy I have ever met. He was just this sweet old man that would always encourage me to better myself in the kindest ways. I can’t compare him to anyone else in my life. He used to tell me I was the BEST tongue clicker around (where you make a clicking sound with your tongue at the top of your mouth). I’m sure I wasn’t but he made me feel special.

Later on in school.. I want to say about 2nd or 3rd grade I started showing signs of dyslexia when I would write and read. I struggled with learning words. So they gave me IEP testing to see what was going on. They found out that I had Long term memory loss and that my short term memory was working amazingly to try and over compensate for the loss. In basic terms brains have to places of storing memory. One is the short term which only hold a certain amount of information but then that information gets pushed out by new information and stored into the long term memory. So pretty much I do not remember things easily.. and I have struggled my whole life with this learning disability.

These things all added together are why I’m so very interested in ASL. Not only do I understand what it is like not being able to hear I also understand what it is like growing up in a fast paced society and having a disability. Mine obviously isn’t as noticeable as being deaf but it does cause a lot of difficulty with moving forward in the sort of society we live in. Lastly because of my disability learning other languages is almost impossible. I still can’t sound out words… let alone try and learn another languages sounds. This is a more recent reason to why I’m interested in ASL but I love the visual aspect of the language. It’s so beautiful and expressive. The way they can depict stories or how they are feeling it something I hope to once achieve.

So why am I writing about my interest in American Sign Language? well.. Because I’ve decided to go back to school and try for my associates in American Sign Language!  I’ve been planning on doing this for over 5 months now and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I’m hoping to start in the fall if all goes well. If not then in the spring! Choosing to do my associates was a hard thing but as of right now I really really really want to try for it. I’m going to look into the Learning Disability program at the schools where I live now and see if they can help me more then the schools in Utah could. My learning disability is very rare.. which also makes it hard to believe and then to also aid someone with it… So I’ve tried college 2 and wasn’t successful. I’m hoping this time will work out. If the Associates plan doesn’t pan out i can at least get a certificate in ASL and then move on to becoming a interpreter! This has been a dream of mine from such a young age. I can’t wait to finally full-fill it!

Part 2: Obtaining Structure

It may sound odd to some but moving is part of me obtaining new structure in my life. For one I grew up in a family that has a ton of mental illness along with a toxic religion that my parents were and are still true believers of. That mixture of things makes quite a big mess when it comes to being “healthy” emotionally. My siblings and I have really grown up sense living with each other but we all struggle still with the lack of being able to set proper boundaries and respecting each other. We just weren’t really taught it. Our parents loved us yes, but they didn’t love each other. Maybe some part of them did but it wasn’t a part that we as children could see. I’m grateful for the life my parents gave me. That I’m able to breath and live in this amazing world. Would I change my experience if I could go back? I can honestly say that I would not. This isn’t something I could have admitted to a few months ago though. 

Moving may be considered an “escape”, I suppose, but I’d like to think of it as bettering myself. I love my family. Please do not think that I don’t. I want to have good and healthy relationships with them though. Not the ones we developed in our home. Those relationships were bitter, hateful and manipulating. We never understood each other. I didn’t know that my sister needed more then anything to be understood. I didn’t know that my brother acts like a cocky son of bitch but deep down just needs someone to listen and love him. They never knew that I held everyone’s burdens on my shoulders and really just wanted peace. So moving for me is helping me better those things. In return we all have a better support system. I know it’s been better for me.

Even though losing my religion has made me lose my structure it is still a huge part of me regaining structure as well. Like I said in my last post I am now atheist. To me this means more then just the disbelief in a higher power but a new belief in myself. Now all the things I’ve done in my past and in my future are all ME. I have nothing to hide anymore. It’s a liberating feeling. I can be honest with everyone in my life and most importantly with myself. Honesty is something that I have been lacking sense High School. Teenagers always question things right? they usually say how unfair everything is as well. I found myself trying to let go of those dumb teenage ideas so that I could become an adult. This hurt me. I became dishonest and lost sight of who I was. So yes, losing my religion has given me a huge stepping stone into my new structure and that is, Honesty.

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With this I’ve had to face my foot surgeries head on. There was no longer a God giving me a “trial”. Now it was just science telling me how I could better myself and what will help me heal properly. It’s been easier sense I let go of the idea that God will tell me when I’m ready to move forward in life. I realized that I probably had been ready for a long time. That I was letting my fears control my actions. So what did I do about it? I kicked myself in the ass and went Job hunting. Hardest thing I’ve done in a loooong time. I had so many fears when it came to how I could perform as an employee. I knew I had to just try it and see. Other wise I’d never know and I’d be stuck where I was at. Which was depressed and purposeless.

I found a job! I have been working for 2 weeks and it’s been rough. I wont lie but at the same time it’s exactly what I needed and will help me get out of my head and REALLY move on. Along with this I hope to make friends and meet new people. Finding a job is just one hurdle  for me obtaining the structure that I need. But friends will be a even bigger hurdle. I’m looking forward to my future again even if I only look to tomorrow that’s more then I had been doing. For months I could only see today. I was stuck and lost. Now I’m finally moving forward and it’s still hard. But it will be worth it. 

Part 1: Loss of Structure

Hello readers,

I’m a 22 year old going through big changes. In the last two years I’ve gotten married, had major foot surgery on both feet, lost my religion and moved to a new state. Due to all of this I’m trying to better myself and create a new structure for my life. This is why I picked Obtaining Structure as my blog name. That is exactly what I am doing.

On March 19th, 2011 this little Mormon girl (at the time) got married to a non-member (a term LDS people use to describe people not of the faith). I had no idea what road I was taking. I have no experience with getting married, this was my first time. I didn’t realize the challenge it would be and how many friends I would lose due to marriage. I’m not sure how common that is around the world but in Utah apparently it’s normal, correct me if I’m wrong. I’ve realized a ton about marriage and a lot about my religion.

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I didn’t really notice the drop off of people in my life until a few months after I got married. Mostly because two months in I got my first foot surgery. The surgery I got was Calcaneal Osteotomy. It’s where they make a wedge in your heal bone and then put a graft of bone into that. It lengthens the bone only slightly but helps hold up your arch or give you a arch if you are flat footed. Recovery has been hard. During this first surgery I really realized the people in my life. Which, sadly to say was not very many. I felt very alone and very hurt that they didn’t seem to care at all about what was happening. I got to a point where I felt like I was begging people to come see me.. even then they never did.

About 5 months later I got a job at a calling center for 3 months. Then I was due for my second foot to get the same surgery. I was more prepared for it this time and braced myself for the loneliness. I still wasn’t very good at expressing that I was in a terrible situation and wished people would give a damn. I had a more constant friend who came over more often but I had already been damaged by this point. I developed sever anxiety that is still a problem now. I had major complications with this second surgery. I got a infection that was stubborn and even though I’m young took 5 months to close up. Sense then the bone hasn’t been healing and I had to have another surgery to get the plates out of both feet.

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Around July 2012 we had packed up to move to Berkeley California for my husbands Graduate schooling.  It’s a beautiful place to live and I am grateful for our opportunities. It wasn’t much of a adjustment mainly because I didn’t have friends where we were before. It was just a different apartment. This was pretty depressing to me at first. Realizing that the last year and half of my life had been spent in such solitude, that moving to a new place barely fazed me. I of course missed family.

I never truly believed in my faith. I was raised in the Mormon church and the adults always seemed so sure of it. So naturally as a kid I tried my hardest and trusted the people around me. Growing up I started to realize that things didn’t seem quite right but I had been promised so much and thought that the LDS church was the only way to true happiness. So I continued trying to believe. During my trials the past two years my religion wasn’t there for me. I went to church as often as I could but the people didn’t care about me and the meetings taught that my husband was going to hell. I felt lost. When we moved I decided I’d give my religion my whole self. I’d do everything to be apart of it and to try and find God, hoping that for the first time maybe he’d speak to me. I went for Four months then on November 3, 2012 I prayed for the last time and realized he was never there to begin with. Now I’m atheist and trying to rebuild the life that I’ve had handed to me. The LDS church has rules and answers for everything. Now I’m re-evaluating everything I was taught and becoming who I’ve always wanted to be.

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I got married to the man I love. Then I had Major surgery that has demolished my self-worth and almost completely gotten rid of any confidence I ever claimed to have. Last of all I lost my very strict religion. I’m not sure where I’m going but at least I know that I’m doing everything I can to enjoy this life now. This post is about how I lost my structure. The next post will be about how I’m trying to Obtain my new Structure.